While I Wait
by Takianna
Summary: This is my award winning diary from  Saga board. It's two original characters seen through the eyes of one of the people involved.


**Entry 1**

I met him early on in the war. It was one of those mixers that are held for troops who are leaving Coruscant. It wasn't like I even planned to go to the stupid thing, but one of my friends wanted to see what all those clones looked like and she forced me. So I got dressed in some of my party clothes and dragged my feet the whole way to the club.

Across a room, filled with men who looked just the same, he was there, smiling at a joke one of his buddies just told him. It was like a holodrama. I swear the lights went dim and it was just the two of us. His eyes met mine and I bashfully laughed at the eye contact, unable to think.

What had I gotten myself into? It wasn't like a relationship was even possible. He was a soldier, after all. I was working and happy just being single, but that all changed in an instant. The instant he walked across the darkened room and said hello. I melted on the inside.

**Entry 2**

It's painful to wait, but it is the way I've chosen because I love a clone. News on the troopers isn't like the updates given on the jedi. There isn't a list where you can go and look to see which troopers are killed in the line of duty on any certain day. I'm sure that someone has that information, but it isn't made public. I have to hold on to the fantasy that he is okay. Until I hear from him, I'm sure I will just have to hope. It's hard to hope though when you know what is happening on worlds across the galaxy.

The numbers of lost men is staggering when they read it on the holonet. Although they give no "operating numbers" of the men who are lost. My stomach knots and sometimes I'm physically sick because I know that somewhere out there, he might be hurt or dying. And he might be alone.

Still I wait for him to send me some confirmation that he's made it through. It's a long wait.

**Entry 3**

Finally. Just a short message came through a relay comm unit, but it was something. I know he had to work very hard to even get anything to me. It's not like they can just ask to use subspace when they want to.

The message simply said..."Oria, I'm fine. Miss you."

Those five words, spoken in that perfect accent, where so precious to me. I've played them every night this week before I go to sleep. Comforting to hear his voice one more time before I drift off. Almost like he's here, but still my soul and body aches for him. The hurt will never go away as long as we are apart.

**Entry 4**

My friends don't understand what is going on with me and the reasons that I can find love with a clone trooper. I can't help the fact that I love him. Clones are not considered "people" by most residents of the galaxy. My friends are included. They ask me questions about things that aren't their business. From questions about what he likes to eat, to questions about his abilities to reproduce.

These are questions that they shouldn't be asking me, but they consider it all fair to talk about and don't even worry about my feelings. They don't know how badly I hurt. I would never ask them these kinds of questions about their love interests, but they continue to ask and snicker at every response I give. I'm tired of their childish games and wish that they could somehow understand the problems that we are facing. It's not always easy to love a trooper, but I didn't get the chance to pick the person I love.

**Entry 5**

When I heard that they were returning to Coruscant, my heart caught in my throat and I felt dizzy. I couldn't breath. What would I say? How would he look? Would he even come to see me?

I realized early on that things were different between us. Being bound to the Grand Army of the Republic was something I couldn't compete with and I didn't want to try. There were times when he wouldn't be able to see me and I had to learn to understand. It wasn't like he was given a choice on his job. He was made for it and we had to face that fact together. I try so hard to be understanding, but I only wish for normalcy when I know there can't be any.

Now I wait for the knock at the door which might never come. I just want to see him again. To hear his voice and all things he will promise me in the dark. I need him, now more than ever.

**Entry 6**

There were few words spoken between us when he returned. I was lucky to even whisper his name before he had his helmet off and was kissing me passionately. All those days of being apart lingered in the air between us, but were washed away as he held me close. I must remember to not let him crush me against his armor again. It can be somewhat painful and I don't think he thinks about it because he just wants to be close to me. It's like a second skin to him.

Now he is standing out on my small balcony, shirt off, staring out at the lights which are flying by in the Coruscant sky. I don't know where he is, but the painful look in his eyes gives me a hint of where he might be. He's there on a planet where so many of his clone brothers were left to die.

I've learned alot from him. He feels more deeply then most normal people. I also know that the only time he doesn't feel is when he has a blaster in his hand. Then he shuts everything else off. It's his therapy.

**Entry 7**

We spent two days inside. He only had to report back once and that was short and sweet. It felt so good for him to be here. Although, I do have to say he's almost eaten everything we have in the place. The sweets are his favorite. I have to remember to pick up more chocolates for when he returns. It's like he can't get enough sugar.

Today he will suit up and return to duty. He doesn't talk much about the war. Maybe he thinks that he is sparing me the hurt of knowing what he is really doing. I don't think I'm ready to hear the things that happen out there. Maybe someday I will ask him, but I know that it's not something I want to hear now.

When I kiss him goodbye today, it might be the last time I see him. I know I will cry, but only after I close the door. He doesn't need that on his mind as he goes into battle. It could be the one thing that distracts him from what his duty is and that could mean he would end up dead. That would kill me.

**Entry 8**

Today has been a horrible day. I've cried nonstop. Something just set me off this morning and I had to call into work. I'm busy feeling sorry for myself and just don't want to deal with customers or my friends. They wouldn't understand anyway.

It must have been the dream I had last night. It was terrible. I was asking all these people if they knew where he was, but no one would answer me. I knew they were lying. I knew they could tell me, but were trying to be mean. I woke up crying and haven't stopped since.

I've just been a mess and I don't know if I will ever feel better. The dream haunts me.

**Entry 9**

I'm better now. Things have calmed down and I've decided that watching the holonews before going to sleep is not a good idea. I just try to clear my mind of everything and numb myself to the reality that he is at war.

It's hard. Being here safe and knowing that on some planet (and I don't know which it might be) he is fighting for his life. Just thinking about it makes me shiver.

People are so ungrateful. Do they not know what he is giving up to keep them safe? I don't think it even crosses their minds. Plus, there are so many people who are willing to speak ill of everyone involved in the war that it's hard to believe anything you are told.

I'll stick to waiting. Although difficult, it seems easier than listening to the spin everyone is putting on the war.

**Entry 10**

Another short and sweet message, but a message still the same.

"Oria, I'm injured, but fine. Don't worry."

Injured. It's hard to hear. I don't even know how severe his injury is and what will happen to him. Maybe he will get to come home to Coruscant. I'm trying not get my hopes up because I know that they will be dashed if he doesn't get to come home.

I fear for his life everyday. I would never be informed if he was killed because they don't think of things like that. He would just be another clone who had ceased to exist. I would be left wondering where he had died and had he gone peacefully. There would be no closure for me.

**Entry 11**

No word and no knock at my door. More waiting. The nights seem endless. I've turned into someone I don't even recognize anymore. My life consumed by the thoughts of him and him alone. My job is suffering and my health is suffering too. It's hard to eat when you don't know where your love is and what they might be going through and if they are getting enough to eat.

I'm trying to keep my strength, but it's difficult. Now my friends are whispering about me and trying to figure out how to fix me. There is only one way to fix me and it won't happen because he will never be free to be with me all the time. I will never be the most important thing to him. Although I know he loves me, he was meant to serve as a soldier. I can't compete with that and I wouldn't even know how to. I know I don't want to interfere with his duty.

I wish these thoughts would stop. Why do I have to torture myself?

**Entry 12**

I took several weeks off from writing in this journal. I couldn't bring myself to whine and cry about the situation I was in anymore. I've decided that there is so much more that I can do. Several of us who met troopers at mixers have started spending time together. I got rid of the friends who don't understand and found the support of others who know the situation and it is much more satisfying.

These women are going through the same thing I am and we can hold each other's hands and cry all we want. No one looks at us differently in the group. We've all been there. When one of us falters, the rest are there to pick up the pieces.

I feel at home. I feel at peace.

**Entry 13**

Jillian, one of the ladies who has become one of my best friends, received a message today from Shi, her clone. She said that he said he was fine and returning to Coruscant shortly, but that was all the message said. They never get a chance to elaborate because of the time they have to pirate to even send these messages.

Hope bubbles to the surface of my thoughts again. I don't even know if they are in the same unit, but I hope he is coming home too. I looked around at lunch today and saw the same look of hope from all the women who had gathered together to support Jillian. We have vowed to ask more questions of our men so that we will be able to find out about them more easily. I'm not sure how this will go over, but I have to try.

Krystal, another lady, has an inside with someone who works at the senate building. She said she might be able get operating numbers of clones who are killed in combat. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Would I even want to know? I'm scared now.

**Entry 14**

A knock at the door this morning woke me from a deep sleep. I didn't have to work today and wasn't expecting anyone at the door. Pulling my robe around me, I went to open the door. I was shocked.

Standing there, no armor, just plain clothes, and flowers in his hand, was my soldier. He was there. I wasn't dreaming. I have to do something about getting him a key that he can keep with him, although I don't know how possible that would be because he would have to secret it away.

There are so many things I want to ask.

**Entry 15**

I angered him. Asking about his operating number made him fly into a rage. He screamed that he wasn't a number, but was a man with a name. I understand the way he must be feeling about being a clone who is sent to die because that is what they are meant for, to most people. I was afraid at the look on his face and he knew that he had frightened me. Once again I cried and he held me close. What is this war doing to us? to him?

Finally after the sobbing had stopped, I told him why I wanted to know and how I worried about him. He just nodded and kissed my hair, murmuring the whole time that he was sorry.

**Entry 16**

Dejectedly, I said goodbye this morning. Why does he have to go? Why can't someone take his place? We could run away and leave this place. No one would know any different. He's just another clone who surely wouldn't be missed.

He has to go though. I saw the look in his eyes as I clung to his fingers just wishing for one more second to touch him. Just one more minute to be with him. Wondering if it would be the last time I heard him speak my name or smile at me.

I am selfish and he is not and that is why he could continued walking down the hall after we said our goodbyes.

**Entry 17**

Krystal thinks that she can find out about our men. She has spoken with her friend who works in the senate building. I know that she had to promise this person many things to even get the chance to look over the reports. I don't want to know how much she had to pay them or what she had to give them and I don't know that I even want to know. We all make sacrifices.

I gave Krystal his operating number. The other women did too. She was the only one who was going to get to look at the documents. We had to trust her to tell us the truth even if she knew how hard we would take it.

The look on her face when she returned was like nothing I had ever seen. I don't think Nysha (another one of us who recently joined in our weekly lunches) knew what was coming her way. She just crumpled to the floor sobbing that she hadn't had enough time with him and why wouldn't he be able to come home.

After we all helped to get Nysha home, I came home and sobbed into my pillow. I don't know if it was from relief that he was still okay or the fact that I felt so sorry for Nysha.

**Entry 18**

Work has been difficult to concentrate on. Number after number passing over my desk. I don't know what I found so exhilarating about accounting in the first place, but it has now lost all of it's luster.

I'm a robot just doing what they want me to do at work and then going home to live out my true life. The life where I wait, wonder and worry. The war can't possibly last much longer. I hope.

**Entry 19**

I don't think my love will be home anytime soon. Things have picked up in the war. They are saying that it is final push, but I've heard that many times before. It's not something that anyone knows. I think everyone is just guessing when it will end.

When it does end...well I don't know what will happen. There is so much discussion over clone rights. They should have rights. They are people. Just because you are copy of another person, does not make you anything less.

I've been researching the Kaminoans cloning practices as best I can. They are very cruel, it seems and just incinerate whole batches of "botched" clones. How can beings think that way? Is any human being ever perfect?

**Entry 20**

Another week of worrying and Krystal has gotten to see the records again. My soldier is fine and in fact, she said, he was transferred to another ship recently. Now I don't know where he is or who he is with, but I hope they keep him safe. It's all I can hope for, right now.

Nysha had a small ceremony for her love...Cue. It was very nice and she said some lovely words to say. It's strange, they are all different, but the similarities are something you never get used to. She talked about the way he stood or the sound of his voice and I thought of my love. It's the same sound that we are all hearing when we get a chance to hear it. We knew what she was talking about and most of us who were there, sobbed uncontrollably as she spoke about it.

**Entry 21**

There has been nothing. No word, nothing. The war is approaching Coruscant quickly. The Chancellor, himself, has been kidnapped by the Seps. This has gone too far. I don't know what is happening to Ari. I haven't seen him in such a long time. My body longs for his touch, but there is so much more now.

I'm treading on ground that not many people are even aware of and would ever want know about, unless they knew a clone. I'm pregnant. Although it should be the happiest day of my life, I'm sad because I'm afraid that the child we've made together will be unable to know it's father. And how do I tell him?

_*recording continues with sniffles and sobbing*_

I love this baby, as much as I love Ari. I have to find a way for us to be together. Screw the Republic and screw everything that they are doing to me.

**Entry 22**

A hatched plan is better than nothing. I've been going over it in my mind trying to make sure that any loose ends would be tied up. I think the perfect plan has been dropped in my lap. Operating numbers are just that. They don't have any real connection to the clones. They all look alike and no one would know if that clone didn't go with that number.

I've laid the plan out in my head. Now all I have to do is wait for Ari to return so that I can tell him. I'm not sure that there is any honor in what I've planned and I know that will weigh on him, but I want to be with him. I want him to be here with our child, who didn't have any say in how it was brought into the world.

Hopefully in the next few days, I will know where he is and if he is on his way to Coruscant. I've paid a lot of money for information on his whereabouts and I hope to get returns.

Then we will be gone from this place. All the tears I've cried while he has been gone, will be forgotten and we can be a family. It's what I want. It's what I need.

**Entry 23**

Ari has been found. He also has been ordered to return to Coruscant. That too cost me a lot of credits, but I want him here so the plan can get underway. It's amazing how easy money can corrupt some people.

I've quit my job and now I'm home most of the time, waiting and getting the few things I will take with me together.

Now I wait for his return. Then he can begin his new life as a clone who has died in battle.

**Entry 24**

I'm on the transport to the Outer Rim and Ari is finally free of servitude. It took some doing, but I had a hacker plant his number with those who had been killed in an explosion aboard one of the cruisers. Ari, no longer exists in the eyes of the Republic. He is mine and mine alone.

Now we go to find a home. He is a deserter and sometimes that bothers him.

_*muffled sound of a male's voice*_

He still claims it doesn't, even as I record this. I know that there is a part of him that wants to be with his brothers, but he also wants to be with his family and it's a choice I let him make. I never planned to force him into a life he didn't want, but I had to give him the choice to make. The Republic didn't give him that choice.

**Entry 25**

Pregnancy is anything but beautiful. I note as my stomach swells, Ari looks at me with more and more wonder. Clones have never been around a woman who is pregnant. They only know of children produced in glass tubes. His hands always reach out and land on my belly, feeling the child which is growing inside me.

It's very fascinating to watch his face light up when the baby kicks. I love him so much and I know that we did the right thing, at least that is what I tell myself as my mood changes.

Did I force him into a life he wasn't ready for or did he come because he loved me so much? What have I done to him, taking him from the war and all that he has ever known?

**Entry 26**

Finally the time is nearing when our child will be born. We've been so busy that I hardly get a chance to record my thoughts.

Ari has been very nervous because there is only a local midwife to take care of me in labor. There aren't medical facilities here like on Coruscant, but I know that I will be fine. We will be a family for many years to come.

_Recording cuts out and then is garbled._

"Sorry cyar'ika," Ari said placing the playback device down on a small table and shifting a crying baby to the other arm. "Mommy isn't far and will always be watching from above. Someday we will both get to see her again. We will listen to her again tomorrow."


End file.
